sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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