Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
