We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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