they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
