Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
