Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I didn't notice because vodka
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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