I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you win again, gameday.
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i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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