i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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