Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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