Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
