I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is this the sara with the beer cane?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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