i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize