Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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