You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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