I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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