you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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