in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
