I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
