A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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