I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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