omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
