how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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