drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
