Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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