The maid of honor just puked.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
