i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
