Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
