i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
