I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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