I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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