either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
