if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
