Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
