This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
