It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
