I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
