I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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