Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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