Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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