Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
