She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
