then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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