i wish my penis had a tongue
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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