i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
