I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
