My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
