I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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