i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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