i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
