Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
