Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
