Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
