there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
