also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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