Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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