i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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