My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
