1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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