just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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