people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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