you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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